Writing might be my way out. I hope.

I’ll write in Romanian and use an AI tool for translations. Though I speak English at an advanced level, my vocabulary isn’t as rich — and I’d only waste words trying to sound perfect.

My dear ones, had I answered this calling three months ago — when I registered this website and wrote the first article — my life today would have been much, much easier. It’s not hard to imagine that the future will only be harder, as long as I keep blindly believing that luck will turn, that I’ll somehow recover what I’ve lost, while everything around me collapses — family, work, health.

So I must make a promise now, and keep it: I will not “invest” another penny into this rot.

Every time I feel tempted, I’ll return here, to this blog, and write another piece — to tell you what happened, and how close I came.

Right now, my finances look like this:

• I’ve just borrowed 1,000 lei for food until the end of the month. I doubt it will be enough — I’ll likely have to borrow more.

• I owe: €1,000 to a good friend (borrowed a few days ago; half of it went to other debts, and I lost 2,000 lei), 8,500 lei to two coworkers, 15,000 lei to a loan shark (I paid 10,000 lei in tax debts to ANAF, and the rest — gone), and €10,000 to an ex-lover I haven’t spoken to in years. My monthly payments for the house, the car, and a personal loan total 14,000 lei.

• I earn €500 per working day as a programmer, but my current contract ends at year’s end. I haven’t found another job yet.

I am desperate. I tried to cheat, to trick the system, to make easy money — and ended up with a beautiful addiction instead.

And no one knows.

I have a wonderful family. A wife I love beyond words, and three incredible children who fill me with pride.

And yet, instead of working, their father plays the fool online — chasing the illusion of that mythical 100x win, believing it will wipe away all problems, while he sinks deeper into debt.

More than once, I’ve thought of ending it all. But that would only scar my children forever and leave my wife to inherit my debts. And I am not that monster. I’ll stay until the end. I’ll climb out of this nightmare I built for myself.

I want nothing from anyone. I write these lines for myself alone. I will not reveal who I am, nor will I promote this page online — or if I ever do, it will be when the cure has been found, and I know that my words might help others trapped in the same curse. And I know — there are many.

After all, Dostoevsky wrote The Gambler. Why shouldn’t I?

Original post in romanian:

O sa scriu in romana si voi folosi un AI tool pentru traduceri. Desi consider ca vorbesc limba engleza la nivel avansat, nu am un vocabular la fel de vast si as irosi cuvinte.

Dragilor, de-as fi dat curs acestei chemari acum 3 luni, cand am inregistrat acest website si am scris primul articol, viata mea din prezent ar fi fost mult, mult mai usoara. E usor deci sa deduc ca va fi si mai grea in viitor, continuand sa cred orbeste ca voi intoarce norocul si voi recupera sumele pierdute, in timp ce totul se prabuseste in jurul meu – familie, job, sanatate.

Asadar, trebuie sa fac urmatoarea promisiune si sa ma tin de ea: nu voi mai “investi” niciun ban in plus in aceasta cangrena.

De oricate ori voi fi tentat sa fac asta, voi veni pe acest blog si voi scrie un articol nou, in care va voi relata experienta mea.

In prezent, situatia mea financiara arata in felul urmator:

• abia ce am imprumutat 1000 de lei pentru alimente pana la sfarsitul lunii. Nu cred ca-mi vor ajunge, va trebui sa mai imprumut probabil.
• am datorii de: 1000 euro la un prieten bun (luati acum cateva zile, din jumatate am platit alte datorii, 2000 de lei am pierdut), 8500 lei la doi colegi, 15000 lei la un camatar (am platit 10k lei datorii la ANAF, iar restul pot spune lejer ca i-am pierdut), si 10.000 euro la o fosta iubita (!!!) cu care nu am vorbit de ani de zile. Ratele lunare pentru casa, masina si un credit de nevoi personale sunt in valoare totala de 14000 lei.
• am un venit de 500 eur / zi muncita (programator), dar contractul curent urmeaza sa inceteze la sfarsitul anului. Nu am gasit inca un al job.

Sunt disperat. Am incercat sa trisez, sa pacalesc sistemul, sa fac bani usor, si m-am ales cu o dependenta de toata frumusetea.

Si nimeni nu stie nimic.

Am o familie minunata. O sotie grozava pe care o iubesc enorm, 3 copii minunati de care nu as putea sa fiu mai mandru.

Si tati in loc sa munceasca, face prostii pe internet, justificand ca va nimeri acel 100x si toate problemele vor disparea, in timp ce se adanceste in datorii.

M-am gandit de multe ori ca sinuciderea este o iesire, dar nu as face decat sa creez traume ireversibile copiilor, si sa pasez datoriile sotiei. Si nu sunt acel monstru. Voi fi aici pana la capat si voi iesi din acest cosmar in care m-am ingropat singur.

Nu vreau nimic de la nimeni, scriu doar pentru mine aceste randuri. Nu-mi voi dezvalui identitatea, nu voi promova aceasta pagina online – sau, daca o voi face, va fi atunci cand solutia va fi deja implementata, si voi considera ca randurile scrise ar putea fi de ajutor altor persoane care se confrunta cu aceasta problema – si stiu ca sunt foarte multe astfel de persoane.

Si Dostoevsky a scris Pariorul pana la urma, eu de ce nu as putea?