It’s been almost three weeks – gamble free – the time frame in which the human brain can start to overcome a usual addiction, according to scientists.

But, do I consider myself “cured”? No. I won’t fall into that trap.

I know it’s a process. And the way I see it, each successful step is another day free of gambling.

Doesn’t mean the temptation is forever gone. Doesn’t mean the pain and regret just goes away. It’s hard to accept the fact you lost – a trick that the gambler’s mind is playing on himself, the more you lose, the more you are willing to risk just to “make it all back”, without realising you’re just creating a never ending circle of losing.

It just means that – don’t do it. Restrain yourself when the thought comes by. Observe it, don’t act on it, then let it go. Repeat.

As days go by, it will get easier, as you will find yourself already involved mentally in other directions that need your focus.

It might sound I’m giving out advice already – I’m not. I’m just talking to myself.

I will share my experiences and thoughts from time to time.

The end goal for me (“unfucked”) is to create sustainable wealth. To build businesses and products that I can pass on to my kids. To afford our lifestyle, while being debt free. I don’t care about showing off with material possessions, never did. I only care about providing for my family and achieving that financial independence.

I tried the easy way, I failed. I was lazy. But I know what am I capable of, and what I am not.

In the same time, I will find it fulfilling to know my story helped others, as the way I see it, the “gambling epidemic” is just about to get worse.

 

P.S. Got my contract extended the other day and I’m also looking to get a second contract. It seems I’m not that bad after all. As I wrote in the last post – lots of “I don’t know” currently, but I’m willing to do what it takes, on the right path.

 

(written in english)

Hey world! Moved the unfucked.blog domain name to another VPS provider and didn’t have the time to set it up properly until now.

A lot has happened in the previous 2 weeks!

I was forced into “coming clean” to my wife – she found some X messages on my lock screen by accident about two weeks ago and she confronted me about my gambling problem.

I don’t have enough words to explain the shame I felt as I didn’t have the courage to do this on my own, being too scared of losing the one thing that really matters to me in this life – THEM. Her and our three children.

But she chose to believe in me, one more time.

It’s been hard to admit to all the stupid things I’ve done, as I’m not a liar, but in this case, is hiding the truth a lie on its own? If not a liar, I was at least a coward.

It’s been hard to see her suffer and be afraid for our family’s future, and all because of a stupid financial decision I took.

I promised “never again”, to myself, to her, to our children. And I will follow through.

Don’t know yet how I’m gonna get out of debt – we managed to merge all debts into one, with the help of her sister, for which I’ll pay monthly instalments.

I don’t know what I’m going to do since January, as my high paying job is coming to an end, and the current market is bad for a 40yo programmer.

Lots of “I don’t know” in my mind.

But I do know a way will eventually come, through all the hardships we will encounter, as long as I keep walking in the right direction.

I know how liberated I feel now, not having to keep secrets anymore, not having to be afraid for us.

I can sleep well, not having to worry about a shit coin I bought before going to bed.

I can focus on work, family duties, household and all, without checking a fucking chart every minute.

I am still checking CMC at least once a day, as I’ve been watching BTC & high caps for at least 10 years. But it’s a whole different thing. I still believe I could be a good long term trader, as I once were, having the vision and all, before I got into highly leveraged futures and shitcoins.

But I will not follow this direction anymore, I will never risk money I cannot afford to lose on a speculation.

I don’t have all the answers, but I am grateful for having at least one person in this world that believes in me.

See you soon, my unsolicited but necessary diary.

(written in eng.)

Got my salary today.

You know what I usually did when that happened.

But not now.

Temptation is there. Looking at the market bleeding, btc broke 108350 and heading straight to 103k zone.

Memes at a discount.

But I have to accept the fact that I’m a bad trader and I don’t know what I’m doing here.

The fear of losing is higher than my desire for a quick buck.

I don’t have money I can afford to lose. I lost a lot.

I’m working on some side projects, and in the recent days, I’ve been a lot more productive at my daily job too.

Maybe I’m healing. Hopefully.

Still don’t know the fuck I’m gonna do with the debts to my friends and our IRS.

Nothing substantial to add, felt like writing though.

I’ve been enjoying the past days while waiting for my monthly pay to hit my account this Friday – I’m dead broke until then.

I didn’t “bet” new amounts since I had the weekend relapse, and I could have. Maybe it’s a start.

I’ve enjoyed observing my kids more, they’re on school holiday this week. I love seeing them smile, laugh, ask questions. I just love spending time with them, as I know these moments will be missed. They grow up too fast.

I’ve read this somewhere but I forgot where – you will mostly spend time with your children while they’re grown ups. And made me cry when I realised it’s true. I love them so much in all being. I would have loved to take them o a trip this week, but… you know, their dad played around with money, and he surely found out.

It’s hard to grasp that I’ve spent 10k eur last year on our summer holiday in Rhodes, and now I’m not only dead broke, but in debt too.

I still find joy in this broke existence however, and I’m buiding up my strength to pursue that virtuous outcome from all this mess.

This too shall pass.

Created a group where we can share experiences and council each other, you can find it here.

It’s easier when you have someone to talk to about your problems.

You’re not alone and you’re not a loser.

The game is rugged, and you got addicted.

It’s time to stop it. You’ll never gonna make it by gambling.

To the only guy that kept stressing me to stop gambling, even if I’m just a complete stranger on the internet – thank you.

Decided to go public with my story and created an X account here.

Of course my fucked up mind thinks of ways to benefit from this – launch a coin, begging for donations, etc.

In the same time, I am committed to heal it, and know that this will never work in the long term. Would do more harm than good and will probably lose it all again. And again. And again…

But maybe it will serve as motivation to keep writing, if I get the attention.

P.S. Din’t bet any new amounts, as I only have enough left for groceries this month. I’m super fucked.

I relapsed badly yesterday & into today, put 1000 lei (about 200 usd) in SOL and lost it all on memes. Again, and again. Same lesson, and I keep failing it.

My greatest fear is that I will not be able to pay my friends back and time is ticking, and I can’t think of other fast ways that could achieve that.

My mind is still playing tricks on me.

I’m weak, I’m depressed, my life’s a mess right now.

But I never thought is going to be easy.

I will make it.

Yesterday, I had some things to finish in the yard – some welding, fastening a few metal bars — part of a project I started back in the summer, which my wife kept reminding me to finish, without knowing that my mind was broken – at least temporarily.

The effect of long-term exposure to cheap dopamine can be devastating – and again, we’re not talking about things I didn’t know, or just realized now, which makes it all even worse.

I no longer had the patience to do anything. To wait, to make an effort, to follow through to the end result. I was becoming irritable, finding excuses not to do things.

Can you imagine anything more pitiful?

That’s not who I am. I know how to do things, I can do them, and I will do them – I keep telling myself.

And I did. I counted every screw, made as many trips as needed to the garage and back to get the right tools. Patiently, I cut, assembled, welded. Then I put the tools back where they belonged.

While doing all that, I remembered a movie I loved when it came out – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring.

I realized I had lost my ability to focus. The power to be present and to complete a seemingly simple task – but one that must be done. The mind needs to be rearranged, “reprogrammed” with the right instructions.

I need to remind myself of the Buddhist teachings and practices I once read about in my youth – maybe even reread some of those books. Even the Christian ones, actually — at their core, they’re not so different.

---

P.S. I had a small relapse in the evening and threw another 150 lei into a shitcoin… I’m still weak, but I’m working on it.
The debts weigh on me, and the fact that I can’t find another way to generate that money. I’m scared of losing my job soon. I’m scared that I haven’t found a new one yet…
Are these just tricks my mind is playing, refusing to let go of certain habits?

(more…)

Short update: day 2, no new amount “invested.” From my laptop, for short periods between household weekend duties, I’m still watching a few charts on Axiom and trying to multiply the remaining 0.07 SOL. It helps that I no longer have the apps installed on my phone, and so far I can resist accessing them through the browser.

During this short — but longer than I would have liked — “degen” period, I’ve noticed various patterns in different individuals, all fighting through clicks toward “financial independence.”

The pattern I’ll refer to today is that of the “beneficiaries.” Those who — in my opinion — “take the Lord’s name in vain,” hoping for wealth if God wills it — God’s willing, Inshallah, etc.

The second pattern comes from TikTok (I uninstalled that app from my phone yesterday, by the way), which promotes the idea of a “magnetic universe,” through various seemingly “successful” yet obscure and shallow individuals — “The Universe doesn’t care if you’re good or bad, it only cares whether you MANIFEST abundance or poverty!”

“It’s true!” you might be tempted to believe. Except it’s not.

The problem with both of these problems is this — they make no sense.

Without pretending to understand God’s (or the Universe’s) abstract plan — my mind, still resting after so many doses of cheap dopamine, cannot yet grasp the logic of such “philosophies.”

If you receive something easily, you’ll lose it just as easily, because you don’t understand why you received it. You didn’t put in any effort for that result. WHY WOULD YOU DESERVE IT, if you don’t even try to be good or do good? And even if you did, why would your reward come on another frequency?

You might think the interlocutor is a third party — and you’d be wrong.

Although none of this is new knowledge, I’ve fallen into the same trap again, and again, and again…

I’m still learning! And I’m trying to own my actions all the way through. The good ones!

(more…)

I’ve been watching professor Jiang and his Predictive History channel for a long time already. He is easily in my top 10 favourite human beings.

I feel very small when I watch his materials and witness his greatness, in both knowledge and action – and then compare him to me, struggling to overcome a silly addiction.

Watched one of his recent materials earlier – “How did we forget about God?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjtvm82wGog

I cried, it humbled me, but it’s what I needed to hear.

I never wanted riches to brag about being rich. I don’t care about material stuff in this world.

I only wanted an easy way out. Didn’t want to put the effort in. Finding excuses.

All while knowing it’s wrong and confident that I am capable of more. Of something good.

I have put myself through this hell. I will find my way out. I will reflect that light further.

Thank you, professor.

 

(written in english)