Yesterday, I had some things to finish in the yard – some welding, fastening a few metal bars — part of a project I started back in the summer, which my wife kept reminding me to finish, without knowing that my mind was broken – at least temporarily.
The effect of long-term exposure to cheap dopamine can be devastating – and again, we’re not talking about things I didn’t know, or just realized now, which makes it all even worse.
I no longer had the patience to do anything. To wait, to make an effort, to follow through to the end result. I was becoming irritable, finding excuses not to do things.
Can you imagine anything more pitiful?
That’s not who I am. I know how to do things, I can do them, and I will do them – I keep telling myself.
And I did. I counted every screw, made as many trips as needed to the garage and back to get the right tools. Patiently, I cut, assembled, welded. Then I put the tools back where they belonged.
While doing all that, I remembered a movie I loved when it came out – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring.
I realized I had lost my ability to focus. The power to be present and to complete a seemingly simple task – but one that must be done. The mind needs to be rearranged, “reprogrammed” with the right instructions.
I need to remind myself of the Buddhist teachings and practices I once read about in my youth – maybe even reread some of those books. Even the Christian ones, actually — at their core, they’re not so different.
P.S. I had a small relapse in the evening and threw another 150 lei into a shitcoin… I’m still weak, but I’m working on it.
The debts weigh on me, and the fact that I can’t find another way to generate that money. I’m scared of losing my job soon. I’m scared that I haven’t found a new one yet…
Are these just tricks my mind is playing, refusing to let go of certain habits?
RO:
Ieri am avut niste lucruri de terminat prin curte, de sudat, de prins niste bare de metal, pentru un proiect inceput din vara, de care sotia tot tragea de mine sa-l termin, fara sa stie ca mintea mea este stricata – cel putin temporar.
Efectul expunerii pe termen lung la doze de dopamina ieftina poate fi devastator – din nou, nu vorbim de lucruri pe care nu le stiam sau pe care abia le-am realizat, ceea ce face situatia si mai rea.
Nu mai aveam rabdare sa fac nimic. Sa astept, sa depun efort, sa urmaresc rezultatul final. Deveneam irascibil, gaseam scuze pentru a nu face.
Va puteti imagina ceva mai lamentabil?
Nu sunt eu acel om. Eu stiu sa fac, si pot sa fac, si voi face – incerc sa-mi auto sugerez.
Si am facut. Am numarat fiecare surubel, am facut cate drumuri au fost necesare pana in garaj si inapoi, pentru a lua sculele necesare. Cu rabdare, am taiat, am montat, am sudat. Apoi am pus sculele la locul lor.
In timp ce faceam asta, mi-am adus aminte de un film care mi-a placut foarte mult cand a aparut – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring
Mi-am dat seama ca mi-am pierdut puterea de concentrare. Putearea de a fi prezent si de a duce la sfarsit un task aparent banal, dar care trebuie facut. Mintea trebuie rearanjata, “resoftata” cu instructiunile bune.
Trebuie sa-mi reaminesc invataturile si practicice budiste despre care am citit in tinerete, sa recitesc anumite carti chiar. Chiar si cele Crestine de fapt, in fond, nu sunt diferite.
P.S. am avut un mic relapse seara, si am “bagat” inca 150 de lei intr-un shitcoin… inca sunt slab, dar lucrez la asta. Ma apasa datoriile si faptul ca nu gasesc o alta cale de a genera acele sume, ma sperie perspectiva de a ramane fara job in curand, ma sperie faptul ca nu am gasit inca un alt job… sunt oare doar farse pe care mi le joaca mintea, nevrand sa renunte la anumite obiceiuri?
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