Category: Uncategorized

Nothing substantial to add, felt like writing though.

I’ve been enjoying the past days while waiting for my monthly pay to hit my account this Friday – I’m dead broke until then.

I didn’t “bet” new amounts since I had the weekend relapse, and I could have. Maybe it’s a start.

I’ve enjoyed observing my kids more, they’re on school holiday this week. I love seeing them smile, laugh, ask questions. I just love spending time with them, as I know these moments will be missed. They grow up too fast.

I’ve read this somewhere but I forgot where – you will mostly spend time with your children while they’re grown ups. And made me cry when I realised it’s true. I love them so much in all being. I would have loved to take them o a trip this week, but… you know, their dad played around with money, and he surely found out.

It’s hard to grasp that I’ve spent 10k eur last year on our summer holiday in Rhodes, and now I’m not only dead broke, but in debt too.

I still find joy in this broke existence however, and I’m buiding up my strength to pursue that virtuous outcome from all this mess.

This too shall pass.

Created a group where we can share experiences and council each other, you can find it here.

It’s easier when you have someone to talk to about your problems.

You’re not alone and you’re not a loser.

The game is rugged, and you got addicted.

It’s time to stop it. You’ll never gonna make it by gambling.

To the only guy that kept stressing me to stop gambling, even if I’m just a complete stranger on the internet – thank you.

Decided to go public with my story and created an X account here.

Of course my fucked up mind thinks of ways to benefit from this – launch a coin, begging for donations, etc.

In the same time, I am committed to heal it, and know that this will never work in the long term. Would do more harm than good and will probably lose it all again. And again. And again…

But maybe it will serve as motivation to keep writing, if I get the attention.

P.S. Din’t bet any new amounts, as I only have enough left for groceries this month. I’m super fucked.

I relapsed badly yesterday & into today, put 1000 lei (about 200 usd) in SOL and lost it all on memes. Again, and again. Same lesson, and I keep failing it.

My greatest fear is that I will not be able to pay my friends back and time is ticking, and I can’t think of other fast ways that could achieve that.

My mind is still playing tricks on me.

I’m weak, I’m depressed, my life’s a mess right now.

But I never thought is going to be easy.

I will make it.

Yesterday, I had some things to finish in the yard – some welding, fastening a few metal bars — part of a project I started back in the summer, which my wife kept reminding me to finish, without knowing that my mind was broken – at least temporarily.

The effect of long-term exposure to cheap dopamine can be devastating – and again, we’re not talking about things I didn’t know, or just realized now, which makes it all even worse.

I no longer had the patience to do anything. To wait, to make an effort, to follow through to the end result. I was becoming irritable, finding excuses not to do things.

Can you imagine anything more pitiful?

That’s not who I am. I know how to do things, I can do them, and I will do them – I keep telling myself.

And I did. I counted every screw, made as many trips as needed to the garage and back to get the right tools. Patiently, I cut, assembled, welded. Then I put the tools back where they belonged.

While doing all that, I remembered a movie I loved when it came out – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring.

I realized I had lost my ability to focus. The power to be present and to complete a seemingly simple task – but one that must be done. The mind needs to be rearranged, “reprogrammed” with the right instructions.

I need to remind myself of the Buddhist teachings and practices I once read about in my youth – maybe even reread some of those books. Even the Christian ones, actually — at their core, they’re not so different.

P.S. I had a small relapse in the evening and threw another 150 lei into a shitcoin… I’m still weak, but I’m working on it.
The debts weigh on me, and the fact that I can’t find another way to generate that money. I’m scared of losing my job soon. I’m scared that I haven’t found a new one yet…
Are these just tricks my mind is playing, refusing to let go of certain habits?

(more…)

Short update: day 2, no new amount “invested.” From my laptop, for short periods between household weekend duties, I’m still watching a few charts on Axiom and trying to multiply the remaining 0.07 SOL. It helps that I no longer have the apps installed on my phone, and so far I can resist accessing them through the browser.

During this short — but longer than I would have liked — “degen” period, I’ve noticed various patterns in different individuals, all fighting through clicks toward “financial independence.”

The pattern I’ll refer to today is that of the “beneficiaries.” Those who — in my opinion — “take the Lord’s name in vain,” hoping for wealth if God wills it — God’s willing, Inshallah, etc.

The second pattern comes from TikTok (I uninstalled that app from my phone yesterday, by the way), which promotes the idea of a “magnetic universe,” through various seemingly “successful” yet obscure and shallow individuals — “The Universe doesn’t care if you’re good or bad, it only cares whether you MANIFEST abundance or poverty!”

“It’s true!” you might be tempted to believe. Except it’s not.

The problem with both of these problems is this — they make no sense.

Without pretending to understand God’s (or the Universe’s) abstract plan — my mind, still resting after so many doses of cheap dopamine, cannot yet grasp the logic of such “philosophies.”

If you receive something easily, you’ll lose it just as easily, because you don’t understand why you received it. You didn’t put in any effort for that result. WHY WOULD YOU DESERVE IT, if you don’t even try to be good or do good? And even if you did, why would your reward come on another frequency?

You might think the interlocutor is a third party — and you’d be wrong.

Although none of this is new knowledge, I’ve fallen into the same trap again, and again, and again…

I’m still learning! And I’m trying to own my actions all the way through. The good ones!

(more…)

I’ve been watching professor Jiang and his Predictive History channel for a long time already. He is easily in my top 10 favourite human beings.

I feel very small when I watch his materials and witness his greatness, in both knowledge and action – and then compare him to me, struggling to overcome a silly addiction.

Watched one of his recent materials earlier – “How did we forget about God?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjtvm82wGog

I cried, it humbled me, but it’s what I needed to hear.

I never wanted riches to brag about being rich. I don’t care about material stuff in this world.

I only wanted an easy way out. Didn’t want to put the effort in. Finding excuses.

All while knowing it’s wrong and confident that I am capable of more. Of something good.

I have put myself through this hell. I will find my way out. I will reflect that light further.

Thank you, professor.

(written in english)

I’m trying to keep the promise I made yesterday and not “invest” another cent in this garbage.

My portfolio dropped overnight from $60 to $25. That’s all I’ve got left — in a shitcoin called SolCry.

Of course, the temptation to buy more came back.

I came here to write, even if it’s nothing meaningful.

I uninstalled the X (formerly Twitter), DexScreener, and Phantom wallet apps from my phone.

Not a minute went by without me checking the chart of whatever coin I had “invested” in, or the charts of coins I had sold — which, of course, had since gone up — feeding my constant anxiety and frustration.

When prices went up, though, it felt good. I’d get that hit of dopamine and feel like I’d done something important to earn it.

This is the main battle I need to fight now. I need to find that dopamine somewhere else — in better things.

I remembered the lyrics of an old Romanian song: “Where your heart is, there you will spend your whole life.”

I consider myself a good person, despite all my mistakes. I want to do good things — for my family, for others in need, for animals, for life itself. I want to understand more, to be more.

But this virtual world — “Crypto Twitter” — is full of poison. Nothing good. NOTHING. It sounds like an absolute generalization, but I can’t find a single element I could call good.

This isn’t something I just realized; I’ve had this poison in my veins for too long. Enough.

(more…)

I’ll write in Romanian and use an AI tool for translations. Though I speak English at an advanced level, my vocabulary isn’t as rich — and I’d only waste words trying to sound perfect.

My dear ones, had I answered this calling three months ago — when I registered this website and wrote the first article — my life today would have been much, much easier. It’s not hard to imagine that the future will only be harder, as long as I keep blindly believing that luck will turn, that I’ll somehow recover what I’ve lost, while everything around me collapses — family, work, health.

So I must make a promise now, and keep it: I will not “invest” another penny into this rot.

Every time I feel tempted, I’ll return here, to this blog, and write another piece — to tell you what happened, and how close I came.

Right now, my finances look like this:

• I’ve just borrowed 1,000 lei for food until the end of the month. I doubt it will be enough — I’ll likely have to borrow more.

• I owe: €1,000 to a good friend (borrowed a few days ago; half of it went to other debts, and I lost 2,000 lei), 8,500 lei to two coworkers, 15,000 lei to a loan shark (I paid 10,000 lei in tax debts to ANAF, and the rest — gone), and €10,000 to an ex-lover I haven’t spoken to in years. My monthly payments for the house, the car, and a personal loan total 14,000 lei.

• I earn €500 per working day as a programmer, but my current contract ends at year’s end. I haven’t found another job yet.

I am desperate. I tried to cheat, to trick the system, to make easy money — and ended up with a beautiful addiction instead.

And no one knows.

I have a wonderful family. A wife I love beyond words, and three incredible children who fill me with pride.

And yet, instead of working, their father plays the fool online — chasing the illusion of that mythical 100x win, believing it will wipe away all problems, while he sinks deeper into debt.

More than once, I’ve thought of ending it all. But that would only scar my children forever and leave my wife to inherit my debts. And I am not that monster. I’ll stay until the end. I’ll climb out of this nightmare I built for myself.

I want nothing from anyone. I write these lines for myself alone. I will not reveal who I am, nor will I promote this page online — or if I ever do, it will be when the cure has been found, and I know that my words might help others trapped in the same curse. And I know — there are many.

After all, Dostoevsky wrote The Gambler. Why shouldn’t I?

(more…)

This is a story in the making, about me and my journey. About how crypto “trading” ruined my life and how I managed to unfuck it. 

It’s still fucked when I’m writing this.

And nobody knows about it.

“No crying in the casino” they say. And I agree. But I have to tell someone. I have to find a cure. Maybe writing helps. I’ve always liked to write.